FEELING SO DISAPPOINTED

 

Jesus looked at them intently 

and said, "Humanly speaking, 

it is impossible. But with God 

everything is possible. 

(Matthew 19:26)

After my encouraging experience the other day where I was able to go for a real walk with a friend (and the help of my walker), I started looking into rollators with a seat so I could take a little rest when going on even longer walks, and downloaded a virtual WorldWalking app to my phone to keep me motivated. 

Today, when I set out for another walk I had high hopes of making it even farther, but that's not how it played out.  I felt pain almost from the getgo, and was barely able to get three quarters of the way I had gone just a few days before. The way back was agonizing, and drenched in sweat, I practically collapsed when I finally got to my apartment.

I feel so, so disappointed. My first thought was to call it quits. Forget about the rollator. Forget about continuing with physical therapy. Just give up. That's what satan would love for me to do. But only God knows the end from the beginning, so I choose instead to keep on keeping on and put my trust in Him and believe that He is working all things out for my good and His glory.

Tomorrow is a brand new day.

CONDEMNATION IS NOT OF THE LORD

For God did not send his Son into the world

to condemn the world, but to save the world

through him. -- John 3:17, NIV

I've been feeling such a hodgepodge of contradictory emotions. Gratitude for my many blessings, but also pangs of remorse, and frustration, plus a good measure of guilt and condemnation for being such a wimp when it comes to pain, and for allowing myself to feel overwhelmed by my circumstances. 

I do trust in the Lord, even though my thoughts sometimes belie it. More than anything, I would like to be a person who makes Him happy, and to emulate those people I know who manage to radiate joy despite how their body feels, or how things are looking for them in this physical realm. Instead, I fall so short.

Even though I know condemnation is not of the Lord, I keep feeling condemned about many things. The same old, same old, like not having measured up to what I could have been, having nothing of eternal consequence to show for my life, having squandered my time and talents, being a glutton and procrastinator, a wimp, and now a new one--turning into a money pit for my daughter instead of leaving her an inheritance. 

Instead of getting exasperated with me or turning His back on me, the Lord, yet again, was merciful and kind, comforting me with timely reminders from within the pages of my devotionals. 

From August 11th's reading in our Daily Bread (which I had inadvertently skipped and that remained unnoticed until this more timely day), the reassurance that He loves me because of who I am--even at my worst! So great is His love for me (and the world) that while we were still sinners, He sent Jesus to die on the cross on our behalf (Romans 5:8).

And from a very old devotional by Renee Swope, came a reminder that God convicts us through His Holy Spirit. He does not condemn. Condemnation is of the devil--not God.

The Bible tells us that Satan is an accuser and the father of all lies (John 8:44, Revelation 12:10). He uses generalized statements of condemnation that he causes to run through our thoughts to make us feel guilty and ashamed.

God, on the other hand, through His Holy Spirit, uses specific, solution-oriented convictions to reveal a sinful action or attitude, and always, along with the conviction, an action to take to change it and make it right.

I've said this so many times, but need to say it again. I am thankful beyond words that the Lord never gives up on me, and that He is so patient and longsuffering.

FEELING GRATEFUL FOR THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD FEEL GRATEFUL FOR

Be thankful in all circumstances;

for this is God's will for you who

belong to Christ Jesus.

(1 Thessalonians 5:18, NLT)

Every morning when I wake up I thank God for the gift of a new day, and add some other things I am thankful for such as being able to see and hear and walk.

When my back issues started to get worse a little over a year ago it took me a while to be able to admit I needed a handicapped parking permit for my car. When I finally did, however, what a blessing it turned out to be. I am more than grateful to not have to worry about finding convenient parking spots anymore. and to be able to park right in front of wherever I need to go.

I've been going to physical therapy for quite some time now, and though at first I had high hopes, it's starting to look as though this is about as good as it's going to get. There has been some improvement but far from what I'd expected to see. Even so, when people ask how I am doing, my standard answer has always been "hey, I'm grateful I'm not in a wheelchair or on a walker." 

Though I'm still able to get around unassisted, I can't walk very far. Once or twice around my parking lot is pushing it. I miss going out for photo shoots, or on walks with my daughter, or being included in family outings. 

I know all things are possible with God, but maybe being free of back pain is not part of His plan. Or maybe it is, but not yet. Either way, I'm sure it's not His will for me to give up the activities I used to enjoy, and so I swallowed my pride and dusted off the old walker I had from when I was in rehab years ago. To my amazement, I felt no pain when walking with it. 

How that could be, I do not know, but thanks to it and to the encouragement of a caring friend I was able to take a walk along the trail for the first time in over a year. 

Though I can no longer say I'm grateful not to be on a walker, I can say I am truly grateful for the surprising new door it has opened up for me.

WEATHERING THE STORM

Then they cried out to the LORD in

their trouble, and he brought them 

out of their distress. He stilled the

storm to a whisper; the waves of the

sea were hushed. They were glad

when it grew calm, and he guided

them to their desired haven. 

(Psalm 107:28-30, NIV)

So far this chapter has been overwhelming and frustrating. Sometimes it's hard to keep my focus on the blessings and stand strong.

I have much to be thankful for, I know, and not all the frustrations are major. Some are just drops in the bucket, except that the bucket they keep drip, drip, dripping into is already full to the brim. 

Last night we had a sudden rain, and the raindrops sounded like rocks being hurled against my window. I was sure that would be the end of my little sunflower and the few buds that had sprung up from my botched attempt to grow wildflowers in window boxes.

Then I misplaced a little slip of paper with some important information on it that I had no way of replicating. I knew where I had put it on top of a pile of paperwork on my bedroom floor, but it wasn't there, and by the time I went through that pile over and over and exhaustion forced me to stop, it was almost 3:00 AM. 

This morning, the first thing I did was check on the wildflowers on my balcony. They had managed to weather the storm just fine. The little sunflower was intact, and one of the buds had opened into a lovely blue flower. 

Next, I decided to tackle the pile of paperwork once again and go through it piece by piece, but there was no need. As I reached down to pick it up, there, right in front of my eyes, was that little piece of paper, sitting exactly where it was supposed to be. 

My heart was overflowing, but there was one more Godwink to come. When I turned on my radio, the first words I heard were Katy Nichole singing, "Hold on just a little bit longer."

My eyes teared up as I thought of how patient and longsuffering God is, and how instead of getting frustrated and giving up on me, He would send me these little personal signs of encouragement to remind me to trust Him and not give up.

ANOTHER GODWINK

A couple of weeks ago I posted about the miracle of two tiny flowers that bloomed in the middle of some very sorry-looking pots of wildflower seeds I had planted and pretty much given up on (Nothing Is Impossible With God).

 

That, however, wasn't the end of the surprises He had in store. 

The wildflowers I planted were supposed to attract hummingbirds and butterflies, which I definitely had given up on since there had been no flowers until these two, and they hadn't lasted very long. 

Nonetheless, I did see one small bird sitting on the rail that flew away before I had a chance to take its picture or identify it, as well as a small yellow butterfly that flitted all around the balcony.

No hummingbirds yet, but with the appearance of what looks like a mini sunflower, and several new buds, who knows? Maybe more butterflies will come to visit, and perhaps a hummer or two after all.

DON'T LET COMPARISON STEAL YOUR JOY

Whatever you do, work at it with all

your heart, as working for the Lord,

not for human masters,  since you

know that you will receive an

inheritance from the Lord as a

reward. It is the Lord Christ you

are serving. -- Colossians 3:23-24,

NIV

Last week I wrote a post on my other blog as part of a weekly challenge where we are given a word prompt and told to free-write about it for five minutes. The prompt was WORK.

I wrote about how my identity used to be tied up in my work and accomplishments, and how my self-worth was dependent on recognition received for a job well done, winning an award, or serving on some type of committee. But when I got saved, the Lord showed me that the unconditional love I had been seeking, and the desire to feel significant, could only be found through Jesus Christ.

Usually, after I post what I write I move on to other things, but there was a lot more that wound up surfacing when a friend told me her son had just gotten his first summer job at a local fast food place and how much he was earning. My first reaction was to be super happy for him and his proud mama.

And then pride reared its ugly head and I did something I should never have done.

I started thinking about my work as a freelance writer, but not about how it had been God's gift to me at a time when I had no inkling that my primary job of 23 years doing data entry and transcription would soon come to an end. I forgot how awed I felt that my God, who knows the beginning from the end knew that day was coming and was already setting a plan in motion for my needs to be met when it arrived. 

By way of a surprise offer for something I would never have thought to pursue, He had nudged me into this second job that required stepping out of my comfort zone and starting to use my intellect instead of settling for the less challenging routine one I had become so used to and that felt so much more secure.

It's a job I enjoy and gain much satisfaction from, but it stretches my brain to the max and I am very slow at it. Finding the right words to express what I'm trying to say does not come easy, and it can sometimes take me hours just to write a couple of paragraphs.

I don't know what possessed me, but after hearing the good news about my friend's son I did the math and discovered, to my great chagrin and indignation, that Master's degree notwithstanding, what I make an hour is only a fraction of what he does.

Before I acted on that foolish thought I had been content, but in one instant I allowed comparison to steal my joy. Kind of reminds me of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and their sin of ingratitude. Instead of focusing on my many blessings, God's mercy and provision, and all the positives in my life, I was seeing only what wasn't.

It's so easy for me to wallow in self-condemnation and regrets for the poor choices made and the squandered opportunities that led me to where I am today, and to think of how the friends I went to school with all appeared to have lived successful, meaningful lives. The truth is, we are all Divine originals, one-of-a-kind creations--not copies or imitations--and God has a perfect purpose and plan for each one of us. The very things I feel most remorseful about are the very things that led me to Jesus. 

I wonder if I ever would have felt a need for His saving grace had I pursued my talents and education to the fullest, or if, instead, I would have spent my life chasing after the perishable things this world has to offer instead of the things that have lasting eternal value.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD - 2

Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have 

made the heavens and the earth by 

Your great power and outstretched 

arm. There is nothing too hard for 

You. -- Jeremiah 32:17, NKJV

Over the years the Lord has used my attempts at gardening to teach me many lessons—and sometimes just to encourage me and remind me to look up instead of around. And so it was in this season when the circumstances of my life were looking as impossible as the prospects of any wildflowers growing out of the seeds I had planted in my windowboxes this spring.

How happy I had felt when the sprouts started to appear. How full of anticipation. And how quick to get discouraged and disappointed when there was nothing but a bunch of green leaves. 

When the leaves started to droop and wither, and some even die, I pretty much gave up on them, although I did continue to water them from time to time.

One day, when I least expected it, God sent me a surprise.

A bud in one of the windowboxes, and a second one in the one next to it.  Soon the buds turned into two tiny flowers--one pink, and one blue.

I am grateful that God never gives up on me the way I was so quick to give up on my plants, and I am thankful that He cared enough to send me this little reminder that no matter what things may be looking like in the natural, He is always in control, and nothing is impossible with Him.

ASPIRE

Many are the plans in a 

person's heart, but it is the

LORD's purpose that

prevails. -- Proverbs 

19:21, NIV

ASPIRE was a word prompt in a weekly challenge I usually participate in. 

I started out by writing, "When I was very little I aspired to be a ballerina, and a few years later I aspired to be a concert pianist. Neither aspiration materialized. 

Then some years later I aspired to get married to someone I would grow old with and still be walking down the street with hand in hand. And I did get married, but my husband and I did not grow old together.

When I graduated from graduate school and was offered the job of my dreams, I opted for marriage and a move across the border. Sometimes I wonder what my life would now be if I had made a different choice."

Those words are still in my mind, as is a line I read (and it was not in Robert Frost's poem), that said "Don't regret the road not taken--you don't know where it would have led." I wish I could give credit to whoever wrote it, because it has turned out to be oh so true.

What seemed like tragedies in my past opened doors to many good things that would never have happened otherwise. An ill-advised marriage that turned out to be ill-fated as well, nevertheless led to the birth of two wonderful children from whom have come seven beautiful grandchildren and six great-grands.

There were other doors that opened as well, perhaps the most unexpected one being suddenly becoming an author of children's picture books in my senior years. 

But the best one of all came as the result of a journey I embarked on after my husband's untimely death. After many twists and turns, and getting lost along the way, it led me to the foot of the cross. 

Now what I wonder is quite different. I wonder if I had not made the choices I made early on, would I ever have felt a need for the Lord or for His saving grace? Would I have spent my life chasing after the things this world has to offer, instead of the things that have eternal value? Would I have missed God's gift of salvation, a greater tragedy by far?

My blog friend, Brenda, left a very true comment on my other post. "The most comforting thing in this world is (knowing) where we, as believers in Jesus, will go when we pass."

DON'T LOSE HOPE

Trust in the LORD with all your 

heart; do not depend on your 

own understanding. Seek his 

will in all you do, and he will 

show you which path to take. 

-- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Don't lose hope" were the words that greeted me when I opened my Daily Truth devotional this morning. "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something so great, you can't even imagine the effects it will have on your life." 

My quiet time today was filled with encouraging reminders and Scriptures.  It was as though the Lord was giving me a much needed pep talk to shake me out of my slump. 

Also from my Daily Truth devotional: "Does everything around you look bleak? This is the perfect time for God to step in and take over." Although He did not promise that life would be a bed of roses, He has promised to carry us through the storm if we put our trust in Him.

When you call to me, I will answer you. I will be with you when you are in trouble. I will save you and honor you. -- Psalm 91:15

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. -- Hebrews 13:5b

My Utmost for His Highest devotional spoke to me through the example of Peter (in Matthew 14:29-30), who stepped out of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus, but started to sink when he got distracted by the strong wind and waves (Matthew 14:29-30). It reminded me that no matter how overwhelming my circumstances may seem, God is in control and I have nothing to fear as  long as I keep my gaze on Jesus and my full trust in Him, 

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. -- Psalm 42:11   

Today I choose to look at my problems as opportunities to see God at work. No matter what is going on around me, I will praise Him. The joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10). 

I FEEL WEARY

"Come to me, all you who are weary 

and burdened, and I will give you 

rest. -- Matthew 11:28, NIV

On May 31st my virtual job of 23 years doing data entry and transcription came to an end. June 1st was supposed to be the first day of a new chapter of my life. A blank page waiting to be written on.  

For days I anticipated the beginning of this new chapter and being able to write about it in the brand new notebook that had been part of the parting gift the company that was closing its doors sent us. I prayed for the Lord to give me a special verse for this new season, and scribbled notes about how I would start off my narrative.

There was supposed to be a prologue I would write on the eve of June 1st containing my thoughts about all the endings in a long string of endings, all the dreams and resolutions that came to naught, and the things that didn't turn out the way they were expected to (except they probably had, according to God's perfect plan). It was supposed to be a time of getting all of it out of my system and leaving it behind so the new chapter about to begin really would be as blank as the new page in my new notebook.

Well, June 1st came and went, and despite my best intentions I procrastinated, just as I have procrastinated so many times before about so many things, and there was no verse, and this chapter did not start off any differently than the ones that went before. In fact, if anything, my challenges seem to have multiplied.

I feel so, so weary, discouraged, and overwhelmed. Like a bop bag that has been bopped so many times it has developed a slow leak that is making it harder and harder to pop back up again. And so here I am back to this blog, seeking comfort at the foot of the Cross. I lay it all down at His feet and pray for another chance to get it right.

On this day, almost three weeks later than I intended, I am starting to write on the first blank page of my notebook--except that this blog will serve as my notebook instead. And the verse I feel led to use for this stretch of my journey, even though it's not actually a Scripture verse, is a quote a blog friend wrote on my other blog in response to my request for suggestions: There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind. -- C.S. Lewis

I am so grateful that God never gives up on us, that He is so patient and longsuffering, that His mercies and grace are new every morning, that He loves us unconditionally, and that great is His faithfulness. I pray that as I share what the Lord is teaching me and doing in my life it will encourage you as well. 

Even though we can't change what has already been written in our story, we can change the way it ends. It is never too late for a fresh start. All things are possible with God!

REDIRECTING

I've been consolidating my blogs, and will be posting future posts on my Random Thoughts of a Great-Granny Grandma blog. Hope you will visit me there.

VISUAL OF A METAPHOR

I am the vine; you are the branches. If you 
remain in me and I in you, you will bear much
fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
(John 15:5)


Several of my large house plants were in need of pruning and repotting. A friend came over to help me, and before I realized what she was doing. She had cut all the leaves off the dangling stems of the nephthytis plant and tossed the bare stalks aside.

When she saw my look of horror, she told me the leaves would root if I put them in water.

Our friendship being more important to me than the plants, I zipped my lips and did what she said. However, not before rescuing the discarded vines, planting them in a new pot, and putting them out on my balcony.


The vines sprouted new leaves and flourished. None of the leaves, however, grew roots--neither the ones in glasses of water, nor the ones I eventually planted in hopes they might root in the soil.

Though the leaves thrived for quite a while, some sooner, some later, all started to fade and die.